You may not believe that the above line, a line that tawdry, could possibly be presented in a real film that was given a theatrical release. You would, however, be wrong. Co-written by director David S. Goyer (a man who is actually capable of being an excellent writer, if you can believe that) the script for Blade's 3rd and final installment trundles along like a broken tricycle, rolling and squeaking the series to it's abysmal end.
Following the wonderfully fun original , and it's surprisingly innovative sequel, Blade Trinity is very reminiscent of Scream 3, another movie that ended its respective trilogy by souring the entire concept, while destroying any sense of reasonable, believable narrative. The film goes off the rails almost immediately, by centering the entire conflict around a cliche of an omniscient villain, and introducing some goofy new characters that no one cares about (also like Scream 3).
Lets start with the cheesy, over the top, villain. It's Dracula. Yes, Dracula of all people (?), has arrived in the Blade universe, and with none of the goofy fun of his similarly out of place appearance on Buffy the Vampire Slayer. No, Dracula, looking like a goofy metal-band reject, and carrying himself like a WWE wrestler (more on that later), possesses zero menace, is given no clever lines, and concocts a scheme so lame and unoriginal that it lends the proceedings no suspense whatsoever, and makes for an utter eye-roller of a finale.
Now, let's move onto the boring new characters that nobody cares about. First up we have Hannibal King, which is basically Van Wilder: Vampire Hunter. His role consists of being comic relief and taking his shirt off, unsurprising considering he's played by the fabulously one-note Ryan Reynolds.
Next, we have Abigail Whistler, a wildly cliche "badass female character" played by Jessica Biel. She is sexualized shamelessly, and given feminine characteristics in the silliest, and most obvious of ways (weeping nude, while hugging herself in the shower, for example). The fact that she's Whistler's daughter seems to be entirely an afterthought, as it's pretty much irrelevant to the story, and her inane obsession with listening to an MP3 player while she kills vampires is so wildly out of place, it feels like it was inserted into the film by a teenager (or at the very least, someone who thought this might appeal to a teenager).
Finally, there's Zoe. A young girl who's entire purpose in this film is to be a cocky, wise-beyond-her-years child character. She taunts the villains after being kidnapped by them, has her innocence exploited in the meekest way possible, and, of course, tells one of the villains (WWE wrestler, Triple HHH, of all people), in a deadpan voice, that her friends are coming to kill them (yawn).
Well, after introducing all of these useless twats, the film goes one step further and eliminates the only character that we do still give a shit about: Whistler. Yes, that's right, Whistler dies...again. And not only is his death used to eschew cheap sentimentality, it's also completely unceremonious, and happens within the first hour of the film (much like Cotton Weary's death in Scream 3).
Faulty in nearly every department, Blade Trinity is pure and obvious garbage. The final embarrassing gasp of just another series among many that should've died one film earlier.
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